Summer/Fall

Summer soon came and I couldn't have been more thrilled! A sweet HUGE tender mercy was I was prompted to make a summer calender. Complete with daily activities. Places to go. Things to do. A reason to get out of bed and make the most with my children. It was the best summer!!

Reality hit more near the end of that summer. We went on a family vacation and on the way up was hectic. I was mad. I was sad. I missed my Mr. I missed my old life. I felt like I kept looking back and it prevented me from looking forward. I didn't know how to over come this feeling of fear every time he got a call. Or loneliness every time he had to go. I felt the entire weight of our family on my shoulders. I had taken out more trash then ever before, made more dinners that I ended up eating alone. And had more feelings of resentfulness then I cared for. Getting out of bed was a chore. So here was this vacation that I thought was mine. We would have a whole week of just US. Boy, I was so so so so so wrong. Texts came constantly. I suddenly felt like a back burner of my husbands life. I felt I was just a title to give him this position. Their had not been a single day I had not cried over my new life and reality. We were told it would be hard, but their is nothing that can prepare you for the depth of just how hard! The weight was just so heavy.

During this difficult time I could still feel the Lord beckoning to me. I prayed daily to recognize the tender mercies to know He was aware of me. I felt them. They came in many forms. Friends who brought meals on random days, cards, phone calls, texts, and flowers to name a few. I just hadn't learned yet how to release the burden I carried. It was taking its tole. It didn't help that my hormones were all over the place since he was called as bishop when my baby was only 6 weeks old. And my hunt started. All I could ask for was peace. Heaven only knew how bad I needed it.

The following months were awful. I had sick kids for three months. We caught everything that was going around. To name a few: hand foot mouth, colds, ear infections, more colds, stomach bugs, more stomach bugs, pneumonia, more ear infections and more runny noses. To top it off I started to see mice coming into my house. No one thought the problem was a big deal except me. My dear Mr. bless his heart thought they would just find there way back out. I knew differently. It pushed me over the edge. I couldn't handle my own house any longer. Our landlord had an orkin guy come out twice and just when I thought we nipped the problem in came another beast. Finally, after many attempts my landlord came out, found the hole, patched it up and we were good to go. But, life was still overwhelming. So much so, that depression set in. It was probably always there, but I could see it. I could sense it. I had postpartum after my second child. It's ugly stuff. I had over come it once. I was determined to over come it again. I made the choice to fight. And fight I would do.


To be continued.