Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Real and Raw....

Here I sit. Laundry piles fill my room. Toys clutter my floors. Dishes fill my sink. Sticky goo is scattered on the kitchen floor. Tooth paste lines my bathroom sinks. And I sit in my room. I am coming off of a difficult time. It hasn't been pretty. I have many questions. I want answers. I feel my head spinning in a bazillion different ways. I want normal. I want me. I want my life back.

Do any of you feel this way? Who am I? Where am I going? (Saturdays Warriors fans now have that stuck in their head:)) Why can't I move on? Why do I feel this way?

I am in a place as of late that I feel the adversary literally with me at every step I make. Pounding me. Mocking me. Shouting at me. Hounding me. I feel a lot of days I have no escape.

This morning I got out of bed. I had been awake since 3:15am. Between the time change, kids crying, and bishop wife nightmares I simply couldn't sleep. I had memories of the last few weeks. The criticism, gossip and complaints all weighed on my mind. I thought of my dad who just got diagnosed with cancer. I thought of my 5 children that I would be with in a matter of hours. I thought of the baby I want, but a body that no longer works.  I thought of the person next to me and how I felt like we were strangers. Finally, at 6:00 I rolled myself out of bed to get ready. Get me ready. Get kids ready. Get lunches ready. Get backpacks ready. Feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. As I went upstairs to get socks so I could go to the bus stop with a few extra minutes I knelt in my closet with the lights off (so I wouldn't be found. It worked.) and simply cried to Heavenly Father. "I can't do this anymore", "What does thou want of me?", "I want my husband back", "I can't face today", "I am not strong anymore", "I am broken", "I am lost", "I am confused", "I am lonely", "I am afraid of feelings of I am not good enough and mainly the feeling of I don't have a place in this church or in my home", "I can't handle the opposition anymore", "I miss him", "I miss him", "I miss him" "Please send someone to rescue me today. I can't do today alone."

Most of these questions were not answered today. But I was rescued. A simple text of "how are you doing" by a few different friends meant the world to me. One has been in my shoes. She has carried this weight. She knows the struggle. One who I haven't heard from in a while to simply ask how I was. It felt so good to catch up. She made me smile when she told me at her RS meeting some weren't saying kind things about the bishop. She stopped them. She told them its hard. I admire that. Oh, what a difference that has got to make. I talked to my other great friend who has no clue what these shoes are like, but could still sympathize and listen and feel sorry and sad for me. That was all I asked for. I needed rescuing and I was rescued. I don't expect tomorrow to be different. But tonight I can ponder and know that for today I was rescued. And tomorrow I hope it will give me enough strength to combat the adversary. To push forward. To fight. To come to a place of understanding once again. To not call and plead for release.

Please know I think about each bishops wife. And if your not a bishops wife go hug one. They could be having a rotten day and need rescuing. Thank you for those who followed the promptings to rescue me today.