Sunday, December 4, 2016


It is no secret that my husband being a bishop has been extremely difficult. There have been times of really high highs where the work feels rewarding and peaceful.  However, I have had a lot of really low times. Finally, after 3 1/2 years I think I know why. I have been on a journey to pin point why this has been so hard for me. Aside from individuals being so mad with decisions, gossip, and loneliness I don't think that is the true reason.

Over Thanksgiving break we went away. It was the best week. It was the only week we have had in 3 years to just be us. I had my husband back. I had missed his carefree nature, and his amazing ability to lift the load in our family. We went to church in a new place. He could drive with me to church. He sat with me. He ever took the baby out and kids to the bathroom. Ah-mazing! As I sat in sacrament meeting I picked out the bishops wife right away. I could sense the load she carried. I could sense the struggle. I could for a second feel as if I was watching me. I got tears in my eyes for her. I wanted to embrace her and support her. My heart genuinely ached for her. But through her I learned why for me, this journey, has been so difficult.

I took my boys to primary. They were a little nervous and so I stayed through singing time with them. I noticed that this bishops wife was in the primary presidency. I immediately was a little jealous almost of her place outside being a bishops wife. She had a, created by the Lord, a  support circle. She didn't have to go looking. She didn't have to try so hard to be accepted. It was there. She was handed it. I realized, that is the struggle that sums it all up. I am a creature who wants to be included. I want to be included in circles of friends. I want to be included in my husbands life. I want to be included in the work that I have such a passion for in the church.

A person who has the need and desire to be included often feels like when they aren't there is no place for them. Callings in our church provide a place. They provide a group of individuals that you get the opportunity to get to know and become close to. Now, this isn't to say I don't currently have a calling. I do. It is one of the few that isn't on Sunday and usually not during the week. It is once or twice a month to see if others visited their sisters. I have loved it. I have learned a lot from it. But, when you feel you want more, and can do more, it is hard to be satisfied with just that.

Take for example the following story. Usually, callings are not a discussion between my husband and I. I normally do not know what is going on. Occasionally, I do. This happens to be a time where I could put pieces together and know what was going on. I knew a certain calling was opening up. This particular calling is the one and only calling I have ever desired to have. So, I sat anxiously waiting knowing I would probably be considered because of my music background. I wanted the calling. I know that sounds horrible but I did. Primary music leader never sounded so wonderful! However, I was told "well they considered you, but felt it would be too much of a juggle for you". Complete devastation entered my heart. For a week I had thought about how nice it would be to be included. To have a weekly focus. To be in a room with women I wanted to get to know. I was heartbroken, but I was also pretty upset.

I was upset for this reason: I feel I was robbed of my agency to decide what is a juggle for me and what is not.  That isn't how callings are suppose to be. I felt the Lord saying "I am trying to include you, but the imperfections of man stand in the way". And what do you do with that? Now, I know that the Lord will make this all work out. And I know He will try in other opportunities. But, for now I hate feeling that I get feelings projected on me of how I would feel. Maybe in their eyes it would be a juggle. But, they have no idea the struggle it is to not feel included.

Now, the ironic part is the person extended the calling asked to have a little bit of time to think about it, so I get to be the sub. And I am very, very excited about it. However, last night as I was finishing to put the last of my plans together, my heart was a bit sad that the song props will simple sit in my files after subbing a couple weeks. But, I do hope in a very small way that they will see that it isn't a juggle. It is the very thing I need to heal my soul. My prayers of wanting a opportunity to serve more will eventually be answered. For now however, it is the ache in my soul that make this journey hard.