It's early morning Christmas Eve and my head has been reflection on this past year. I have been so emotional realizing the things I learned, the way I grew, and the grace that I feel has changed me. I may not be able to put this all in words but I am going to try.
Bishop' wife. Written and said doesn't seem their is anything to it. However, it is one of the most challenging refiners fire I have ever been placed in. You are broken down to the very core. Every weakness you have known in yourself is magnified and increased and more are shown that you never knew existed. The fire is so hot and at times I have felt nearly burnt. I have questioned the reality of the Savior. I have felt the depths of loneliness and despair in a way I never though imaginable. My relationship with my husband changed. The conversations became more crucial and the fight picked up steam between good and evil and we had to choose. Thankfully, we always choose each other and we always choose to win. And we are winning. We have learned more about each other. We have been more vulnerable. More open. More honest. More together. This never came easy during this year, but our relationship was taken to greater heights. Nothing that is worth it I have realized will ever come easy. That realization perhaps changed the course of this experience. In the end I want to be standing tall next to the man I married many years ago. And so far I am.
I have always said I want to forever be a disciple of Christ. I want Him to know I will do anything that is asked of me. The trust of the Lord is huge. While I was going through the refiners fire this year I did not see who I was becoming. It hasn't been till the last couple weeks that I feel I have seen the light, the horizon, the gift of refinement. I have a knowledge of grace that I have never known. Grace to forgive, grace to bring peace to relationships, grace to see the Lords plan a little bit clearer. Grace to love others when it seems impossible. Grace to have a better view of my children the way the Lord views them. I never knew the depth of grace. I finally feel I reached a new level of grace to simply be at peace.
Peace. It was something I yearned for this entire year. Back in January I had found it, but when the stakes got higher and chaos broke out I lost it. Come September/October I found myself being okay with the thought of bitterness. Bitterness for the time spent in this calling and the lack of togetherness I felt. Bitterness for the lonely days. Those who know me know that my number one goal was to not become bitter. I wanted this time to look back on with fond memories. I finally accepted it wasn't meant to be. I met with the stake president hopeful to get some advice or prompting to help me. I was done. I felt defeated. All I remember telling the stake president over and over again is I want peace. I want peace. I want peace. I want nothing more to be a disciple of Christ and I feel far from that. Leaving his office I didn't feel a direct one answer, but I felt placed back on the path to lead me in the direction I wanted to go. But I was still in search of peace. Peace to know I am okay. Peace to know the Lord is okay with me. Peace in what I am suppose to be doing. Peace. I only asked for peace.
As time went on I wasn't so sure I was finding peace. Until one day. My visiting teachers came by. One shared in passing about peace. That peace was not given by the Lord in the ways of the world. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, I give unto you."(John 14:27)....At that moment I knew I was searching for worldly peace. It never occurred to me their was a difference. And I also knew I would never find peace in the eyes of the world.
So, my thinking changed. Could I find peace in the midst of 5 crazy loud busy busy children. Peace in a ward where we give so much. Peace in my relationship. Peace in myself. Perhaps that's the one I wanted most. Peace within myself. This brought on the reflection of this year and I realized I can't have true discipleship to the Lord if I am not refined to the very core. It won't happen. At least not for me. The path of discipleship is hard. But, as I reflected on this something changed. I saw clearly the miracles and tender mercies I have seen throughout this year. To forgive those who had not been so nice, to overcome sickness, to feel strength beyond my own, to follow promptings, to serve, to have ends meet with so little means while between jobs, filled with contentment. I realized in these reflections that this is where the peace is at. Peace is not a smooth sailing time for weeks. Peace is recognizing the Lord. Seeing His miracles. Seeing His hand. Peace is knowing I am doing the best I can in hopes to be better. I don't want this season to end. I want to carry this with me. Finally, in my search for peace I have found it. And it is not in the ways of the world. I see yet another side of the Lord. He truly is the Prince of Peace.
