The last two weeks I have sat pool side. Dreamy right? However, the first few days were far from dreamy. I watched the fear in my children. The fear of the water. Especially a particular child. This child LOVES water. I could not keep him out of puddles. A drop of water could get him wet from head to toe. So naturally I thought the first time I took him swimming he was going to LOVE it. He didn't. Major anxiety and panic attacks set in. He hated it. So much so that he would barely put a toe in. For two years I couldn't get this child to leave the stairs or the kiddie pool. He would at times try to conquer his fear by climbing down the ladder to only get back out again. The fear of him being consumed by the water was real and very, very scary. We tried floaties, holding him, bribes, and forcing him. Nothing worked. For a child who LOVES water it was puzzling....until today.
His great love in life is water and the fun of a large amount of water was held back by his fear. I couldn't help but relate to the journey our family has been on for the last 4 years. My major setbacks were because of fear. Fear of people, fear of the unknown, fear that I couldn't trust the Lord, fear that this would break our family instead of making it stronger. Fear that somehow I was loosing my partner in crime because of the demands that were placed on him. Fear of everything.
Today was a proud moment. For a couple weeks I have watched a teacher little by little get my child into the water. Someday's it was by force. Others it was by convincing him to trust her. Little by little he learned to trust that she would be there to pull him from the water. She also taught him tricks to help him get to the side for safety when the water was above his head. Some days it was heart wrenching for this mama. I heard his fear in his voice and could see and sense his lack of trust. He always felt the water would be all consuming. Today however, the kid couldn't keep his head out. The joy of the water finally came over him. His excitement and pure joy for the water he has always loves was so heart warming. He swims. Eyes in blowing bubble swimming. The smile says it all.
It got me thinking of my own journey. Leaving the stairs to the unknown has been frighting. Having the Lord take me and put me way out of our comfort zone has been a struggle. It allowed for fear to be a companion of mine for a long time. There have been so many times the Lord tells us to jump and I simply could not. Last November I changed my course and was just simply making peace that I would never "swim" in this calling. I was okay with that. However, I am glad that the Lord was not. Today I feel like I am swimming. Little by little the Lord has taught me to swim. At times it was easy and in a place where I could "touch the bottom". Then there were the times that I had to learn to swim to him. At times I felt I was abandoned to figure it out on my own.
However, just like my son had a teacher standing far back to get him to swim to her the Lord expects the same. He is always beckoning to us. Always. The callings we are given are a huge way he is beckoning to us to come to Him. Someday's I have had to regroup and readjust my boundaries and priorities to find my focus on him once again. Learning to swim in the Lord's kingdom is thrilling and amazing. Ministering is the highest amount of joy I have ever experienced. The Lord has taught me how to minister in my family, in the church, and in the community through this calling. This has become who I am and I love that. I am so thankful for the confidence I have gained because of this calling. I felt so lost for so long in this calling, and to now sit and know where we are and where we are going is a very humbling thing. So, I don't know what the Lord has in store for us when that day comes for release. However, I can look back and see he really is in control. Faith and fear cannot exist together. So, today I hope all of us can replace fear with faith. The Lord is in the details, we just have to jump.
