Set backs.....had any of those before? This week has been a "set back" week for me.
In the beginning we got many comments. I will spare you details, but so bad that I couldn't even eat. I had no idea how to navigate through them. Going to church was more like forcing myself for my kids. They were hurtful and shocking. This went on for the first 2 1/2 years of my husband bishoping. I can't even describe the feeling, thoughts and pain I went through personally and as a family. I pulled back from everything. I went from an outgoing person to an introvert. It was tough. It also didn't help that I spent those two years completely in pain and sleep deprived from new born times two and pregnancy. So, this obviously compounds the problem. I finally had the nerve to sit down and be heard. The first one went amazing. I had never felt the atonement quite like that. The second was a bit more challenging. No fault was taken and apparently it was all me. That was a bit harder, but I made it mostly through. Then....when I had major surgery I took that time to read and ponder and figure out how to not take it personally. I DID IT! The burden that had been on my was finally lifted! I felt so free! Until.......t.h.i.s.w.e.e.k. (Bonds that Make Us Free"....amazing book!)
I was serving and got the comment that my husband is incapable. How do I not take this so personally? I am not sure I have the answers for that. I felt this week that it was just a major slap in the face. My husband never stops. He is constantly serving this ward. All the peace I found I felt went out the window. Except for the fact that I can process through it this time. But. It doesn't change how hurtful this was. Unless one has worn these shoes, another female does not and can not understand! But, in case anyone is wondering this calling takes blood, sweat and tears. And a whole lot of that! We are tried and tested to our very cores.
The upside to all of this is my prayers have been my only life line. I have spent many days on my knees frequently and many nights pondering the work we do. The Lord calls incapable people and he magnifies them in a miraculous way. He calls people who he can do his work through. He realizes they are imperfect and not capable of perfection. The Lord also puts us in a place where so much learning and refining is completed. So, I do hope to find my place of peace and grant the grace that I wish so badly they would grant to me.
It is truly through these set backs that I ask myself again "why am I doing this?" And my answer is because I love the Lord. And doing his work is the only important work we have to do!
