Friday, February 28, 2014

The Atonement

January 1 came. It brought a newness I wanted. It brought the desire for change. I love setting "real" goals. I am not a work out everyday goal setter. Not that  that is bad. I just know I fail with the thought alone. :)

So, my goal was more of a focus. I would focus this year on learning the strengthening power of the atonement. I fasted for it. I prayed for it. I constantly thought about it. I realized something amazing. It encompasses so many aspects.

One of the many nights I lay awake. I heard the baby and got up to realize he had a high fever. We are talking 104.7 high fever. Scary. I was scared and I knew at any moment he would start puking. I ran a luke warm bath to help it come down and gave him medicine. And I waited. We sang. We snuggled. And I waited for the puke. And sure enough it came. I called for my husband to come and help. He came threw me some wipes and got back into bed. Now don't be angry. He was exhausted. It was not his character to do that so I knew he was super exhausted. In that moment though I was at the low of all lows. Here I am....I don't know who I am. I have lost my routine. I have lost my comfort. I carry this massive burden of supporting service. All while carrying the weight of 5 kids. Five little kids. It became to much at 2 am. So while I was getting a baby back to bed and cleaning up the puke I knew I was staying up until I had answers.

I lay in bed looking at the ceiling contemplating my life up to this point. What got me here? Where had I gone? I counted my blessings. The tender mercies. I came to realize I had been strengthened by the atonement but I needed more. I needed peace. I needed answers. I needed to borrow the balm of Gilead. I needed to know I mattered. I needed to know I had a place. And so the counting went on. It took me back to the day of asking if the church was true. That day was a game changer. I made a promise that day. I promised if I knew it was true I would do WHATEVER the Lord wanted me to do. With that thought came an overwhelming amount of peace filled with the spirit. I literally felt the burden lifted. The weight was gone. I felt the Lord told me "This IS what I want YOU to be doing". I hadn't had that conviction yet. The spirit I felt was amazing and all in a matter of minutes the weight, blindness, and burden of this calling went away. I woke with a new light. I jumped out of bed. My kids were fabulous sites to see. I knew I could do it. And I am with the help of the Lord. I repented. I apologized to the Lord that I had not kept my end. And I moved forward.

The atonement was my answer. I can see it in a whole new light. And so with that makes those hard long and impossible days worth it. It hasn't taken away the roller coaster of being a bishops wife, but it gave me new eyes to see and new ears to hear. Even on hard days I still feel light. I don't feel the burden. It has been lifted. It is an amazing, wonderful, powerful thing.

And so maybe you are reading this as a bishops wife who googled looking for answers. Looking to see if you can find anyone that simply understood. Just know the peace does come. I can honestly say serving is a wonderful thing. I cannot wait to share what I have learned having a new perspective. I would love to hear from any of you reading this as well. I will never look at a bishops wife the same. I hope I will always remember the long hard days just to remember to reach out and serve those who are probably having long hard days, but masking it well with a smile. We are all famous for masking it all with a smile. :)

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. I am a bishop's wife who googled, looking for answers. I feel like I am struggling with everything, but that part is not new for me. I have never been a great housekeeper, but always had a kind, patient husband who helped out A LOT around the house, either with the kids or cleaning. My husband was called as bishop almost one year ago. At the time I was 8 months pregnant with our 4th child. My kids are now 7, 5, 3, and 9 months. Previous to being bishop my husband was serving in the bishopric, and before that he was Young Men's president. Since his previous callings called him away almost as much as being bishop has, I didn't feel as much of a transition as I thought I would. My husband still tries to help out as much as possible. What I have been slow to acknowledge is that it SHOULD have been a bigger transition for me because in me just thinking that everything is going on the same as before, I have been neglecting to see the greater demands that have been put upon my husband. He is quiet and doesn't complain. He doesn't talk about the burdens placed upon him--he just does them--and so I was unaware of how overwhelmed he was feeling until recently. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he is very stressed and that coming home and having the house in complete disarray (as it always is) or seeing me frazzled by the demands of motherhood adds to his stress because home is no longer a place of respite or peace, but somewhere there is more work to be done. So, now I know I need to help him. But how? I feel so utterly incapable of keeping control over this chaos on my own. And I feel very much on my own. I never expected my testimony to struggle during this time of service. I converted to the church at age 21 and, since then, have always had the gift of knowing with certainty this was the true Church. That certainty is gone and it frightens me to no end. This is when I need to feel closer to the Lord and I have never felt further. It is a scary place to be. Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one who has struggled in this way as the bishop's wife.