Friday, February 28, 2014

Vacation Came and So Did Reality

Mid December finally came. We loaded the car with a week of supplies including three doses of antibiotics for three kids. We were off to what others say is the happiest place on earth! Disney!!!!!!!!

I had never been before and for months I set boundaries. We now had boundaries on the calling and protection on our family, but I still needed to get away. Mr. and I could not be happier. No phone calls, texts or email checking was allowed until kids were in bed at night. It was wonderful!

The drive down however was not so fun. A child was sick and when we stopped realized he had another fever. I cried. We all needed this vacation so bad and it included a vacation from being sick! As we walked into the hotel I looked at John and mustard up all the faith I could to ask. I knew my baby needed a blessing. But I wanted a blessing of complete and immediate healing. Did I have the faith to ask for that? I had so many doubts. I knew I have a bit. I knew I could asked humbling knowing I was not worthy of such a blessing. But I asked. When the words were uttered that immediate healing would be granted, I cried. I was humbled. I was weak. I felt the love that I yearned for. That blessing and miracle I witnessed would carry me through the remainder of the month.

Needless to say the vacation was heavenly. So heavenly. We were us. We were us alone. We were together 24 hours everyday for 8 days. It was grand. And then the drive home happened. Neither wanted to go. We both wanted to stay. We had lived for 8 days. It was so so so wonderful! We cried starting the drive home.

Reality slowly hit on the way home. I felt the weight again. I felt the hardship, the burden, the anxiety, everything. I couldn't do it and I knew I certainly didn't want to. The weight of it all continued to wear on me and seemed to hit much stronger then when we had left. Mr. was gone a lot. Tithing settlement was in full force. I was completely alone all the time. I had more sick kids. I had more to do with the holidays. My tree wasn't even up. I didn't feel it this time around. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. The stress became unbearable. And it came to a cross roads. Either I ask for him to be released or I figure this out. But how?

Well, that talk on the atonement. I read it. I knew what I needed. But I had never felt this side of the atonement before and had no clue where to start. So I started with a goal at the new year. I needed strength. I had heard the atonement covers that. So I started. I prayed and fasted for the strengthening powers of the atonement to over take my life. I was done. I quit. I was just going through the motions at this point. It was scary to see yourself slipping so far down. It was scary to watch the weight I didn't have fall off. It was scary to think I had no testimony and it was quickly slipping. How, in a service of saying yes had this happened. All I wanted to do was serve, but not in this way. Feeling worthless has taken over. I faced the adversary daily. I had to get out of bed and use every ounce of energy to fight. The energy was nearly gone. I wanted friends. I wanted outlets. I wanted a place. I wanted a home. I wanted more then anything peace. How do you find it? What has to change? What if nothing changes? Could my heart be changed? Could I change? Would I ever been happy inside and out again. Happiness is a choice. How could I choose to be happy despite my circumstances. January 1 was a welcomed date. It was a date that meant change for me.

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